Monthly Archives: December 2010

December.

For me, December means a lot of things.
It means living in a snow globe – which it certainly feels like here in lovely GC, considering it hasn’t stopped snowing for three or four days straight.
It means watching the movie Elf.
It means being with people who aren’t judging you or assuming or trying to make you feel little.
It means doing things you love with people who enjoy it too – heck, maybe they even love you for loving it.
It means drinking my mother’s eggnog. And hot cocoa made with milk – with marshmallows, naturally.
It means the Christmas lights in the living room window.
It means staying up late doing silly things like playing Apples to Apples and Super Mario Bros and Mario Kart and laughing with people so hard that you cry.
It’s spontaneous snowball fights while on walks.
It’s mittens and cold noses.
It’s movies on the TV all day and cuddling up under blankets.
It’s simple pleasures – like PB&J, photo albums, and the snow on your WordPress blog.
It’s baking more cookies than you think you have room in your house for.
It means that driving at night has become so much more enjoyable, and everyone in the car “oohs” and “ahhs” at the lights and storefronts and postcard-perfect scenery.
It means stocking up on presents for everyone!
It means more home-cooked meals.
It means loving.
It’s parades and Santa hats and candy canes.
It means stupendous holiday sales. ;]
It’s Christmas music in the background. Constantly. Everywhere.
It’s catching up in coffee shops.
It’s not defending yourself, or worrying about school.
It means stopping, staring, and marveling at the individual snowflakes that land on your black scarf.
It means peace. Whether things are calm around you or not, you’re okay.

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I keep dreaming…

…all these scenarios where Granddaddy never really died, and that he’s back. And they phase me so much.

 

We were at Grammy’s house.
She had cleared out the garage, installed a fireplace with couches surrounding it.
But she was asking if we thought Granddaddy would like it.
He died in 2004.
But he hadn’t – she was explaining.
So Deanna, Mom, and I sat on the bench of a picnic table to the side of the room (no, that doesn’t make sense. It’s a dream. Irrelevant.). Grammy’s hovering, facing the door. (the door’s to our right.)
And we’re all just waiting for him to come home.
And there he is – he just walks right through the door in his coat, smiling, and is just talking about his day like he hasn’t even been gone for the past 5 years (I’m counting it to be 2011, because it’s December).
Deanna stands up – not excitedly, just normally – and goes and helps him with his coat, and hugs him.
But I’m paralyzed.
I can’t even say hello,
or even “look how much taller I’ve grown since you last saw me.”
Or look at him, really.
All I can do is hold my hand over my face,my eyes squinted shut as tightly as possible,
sobbing.
Silently.
One of those cries that you do in a room with thin walls that you don’t want anyone to hear.
And your mascara is in all of your tears and going into your eyes and stinging you.
And the shock that I sink into won’t let me stop.

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December, be good to me.

the first snow.
I love it.
When you walk outside into this wondrous scene, everything
everything.
is quiet.
muffled.
muted.
Even the air your lungs try to obtain seems to be far away from you,
waiting.
Still.
holding its breath.
All you can hear is your own boots shuffling along on the concrete sidewalks
and a little place in your mind is sure that time really has stopped, and you don’t even need to go to class
or that you might be the only person left on this planet.
or that perhaps you’ve finally gone deaf.
But you’re walking,
and it comes to mind that you want to be walking with some one.
Now, I don’t care who it is, or what your relationship is like,
but you want them with you.
Perhaps smiling at you over a steaming mug of stupendous hot cocoa,
or speculating about the best defense strategy were you to get ambushed by snowball-throwers.
Or, even some one to there to catch you if you slip.
and you’re never sure if that electrifying jolt of adrenaline is because you nearly fell,
or from their arms protecting you
from melting away
seeping into puddles and icicles and snowflakes and trees
Whether you prefer indoors or outdoors in wintertime, walking inside is so much better this time of year.
the rush of warmth,
the heat hugging you enveloping you
it’s cozyand the white dust in everyone’s hair
melts
away
and you are all left with damp, imperfect tendrils
and rosy cheeks
and cold noses
All the energy and lightness
the Christmas trees(!)
and sweet Christmas lights (!!)
and the giving and the getting and the glowing
and the loving and the lighting and the listening
and the sweets and the songs that get stuck in your head
“bury me in your quiet love
and we
will blow
away”
breath becomes visible
as if a reminder
that you are doing something.
that you are living.
that you are here.
and that the air you’re breathing and living on is the same air sustaining every other person
As for me,
I’m a snowfall kind of girl.
indoors, outdoors, cuddling, curled alone with a book
it’s all for me
this
winter
is all for me
and better call me inside
or I will become part of the snow.

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